Here we are again fellow Not On My Watchers, another week another dose of drivel. I have lined up four more faecal-flecked films that made me wish movies had never existed. 

If this is your first time reading Not On My Watch then I am truly sorry, but thanks for dropping by to see what all the fuss is about. The premise of the column is simple: what you are about to read are words, mostly negative, that describe four of the worst movies you will ever see – all of which happen to be streaming on Netflix or Amazon Prime right now. And if they aren’t streaming in the bit of the world you are reading this from, then you have had a very lucky escape.

I can’t make this clearer: I’m not telling you to watch these films. Quite the opposite, I watched them so you don’t have to suffer. I watched them because I used to love movies and I decided to kill the thing I loved, because nobody needs love in their lives, right? They just need movies that stink so bad, they bring tears to your eyes.

With that in mind, the following films are the equivalent of a stubbed toe, cold callers, a paper cut, the pain you get when you pull off that bit of skin next to a nail and it smarts like hell, cramp, cramp that wakes you up in the middle of the night and makes you dance around the room, gone-off milk, milk that doesn’t look or smell gone off but when you put it in your tea it actually is, losing the remote control, finding a remote control but it’s the wrong one, lists of things that are annoying that go on annoyingly too long. 

Still here? You absolute masochist.

Daemonium: Soldier of the Underworld

The Premise: Wizards, gas mask-wearing mercenaries, demons, killer robots and gun-toting schoolgirls all fight for the right to something.

I’ll be the first to admit, I have no idea what’s going on here. Daemonium starts off with a schoolgirl fighting zombie demons. One of them steals her lollipop. She gets angry for obvious reasons – as it means she has nothing to suggestively suck on – so steals it back. Then there’s a massive twist (spoiler alert), because the lollipop is actually a tracking transmitter that controls a hidden minigun which proceeds to mow down all the demons in the building. 

Then the movie kind of resets itself and doesn’t really mention all that schoolgirl-fighting business again, until right at the end. It’s like someone drunkenly stumbled into the editing room while the film was in post production and mixed up the rushes with another barmy B Movie for, you know, shits and giggles.

The rest of the movie aims for ‘steam punk’ but lands squarely at ‘steaming turd punk’. There are mercs in gas masks, scantily clad women, a crap wizard whose big trick is lighting a cigar – which he also sucks on suggestively to bring balance to the movie – with fire from his palm, and a dirge of demons that failed the auditions for Hellraiser.

Dialogue highlights include the zinger: “Don’t you ever shut up, wizard?” Which sounds even better when spoken in Spanish, the original language for this monstrosity of a movie. 

Interesting fact, the ‘lollipop-sucking schoolgirl fighting’ lady is the dubbed Spanish voice of Lisa Simpson. 

Best watched when: you’re trying to learn Spanish to impress your friendship group that consists of a wizard, a merc in a gasmask and a schoolgirl that will kick your ass if you even look at her damn lollipop.