More of the worst movies you shouldn't be watching on Netflix and Amazon Prime


Welcome to the sixth (SIXTH?!) edition of Not On My Watch, the seedier side of TechRadar where we offer up four flaccid films for you to completely avoid. 

You see, for all the good streaming has brought to the world – a bigger and better Jeff Bezos for a start. Have you seen the guy lately? He looks like he’s smuggling ballon animals under his t-shirt – it’s also opened the floodgates for some truly awful films. Movies you never knew existed until Amazon Prime and Netflix came along and slung them on the streaming scrapheap. 

That’s the thing with these streaming services, for all the amazing content they have, there’s a ton of things you would never ever want to watch. But, my word, are their titles enticing. 

Beast of Borneo (with box art that sneakily makes it look like you are about to watch a movie called Beasts of Porneo), Swarm of The Snakehead, Slaughter Island, Vacuum Killer (complete with tagline ‘It will suck you dead’), Ghost Shark 1: Port Massacre, Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws… all of these are brilliant titles but terrible, terrible movies. 

And here’s four more awful films that need to be seen to be believed – the first being perhaps the most famous bad movie of all time…

1. Troll 2 

The Premise: A family goes on vacation to Nilbog, a ‘wonderful half-empty town’. Except it’s not, it’s full of trolls (not trolls), damn trolls (definitely not trolls).

I had so far resisted putting Troll 2 into this column as it’s, well, a bit too famous. But every time I seek out another bad movie, it’s there staring at me with its troll-like face. That’s right, I am being trolled by Troll 2. 

Well, no more. You’ve finally got your way… this is why Troll 2 is one of the worst movies ever made. 

– It’s not even a frigging sequel to Troll, the 1986 movie. It has nothing in common with it. At all. Other than its name. So, it does have something in common with it. 

Damn you, stop trolling me Troll! 

– There are no trolls in it. They are goblins. Crap looking goblins granted, but goblins nonetheless. The reason: the film was originally called Goblins. 

Damn you, stop trolling me Troll! 

– One reason (of many) Trolls 2 sucks so bad, director Claudio Fragasso didn’t speak much English while making a movie with an all English-speaking cast. Also, his wife (Rossella Drudi) didn’t have much of a grasp of English when she wrote the script for the movie, in English. Despite the script reading – for some reason – like someone without much grasp of English wrote it, the actors weren’t allowed to change any of the lines. Not even this cracker: “I’m the victim of a nocturnal rapture. I have to release my lowest instincts with a woman.”

Damn you, stop trolling me Troll! 

– Finally, there’s a scene where Joshua, the boy who starts seeing the trolls/not trolls, pees on a table for no reason other than director Fragasso thought that would be a good addition to the movie. 

Damn you, stop trolling me Troll! 

Troll 2, it’s a must-watch, seen-to-be-believed movie. One that’s packed with the worst acting, costumes, set design, script, directing… the worst everything. 

It did spawn a great documentary, though, called Best Worst Movie, directed by Troll’s very own Joshua, Michael Stephenson.

Best watched when: Nope. I have nothing.